I actually cut out a lot yet this is still on the long side, so be warned. Sorry in advance.
SECTION ONE: ASSETS AND DEBT
Retirement Balance: ~$4,740. $4,450 in a Roth IRA I opened when I turned 26. I just recently started contributing more to it regularly. I was previously focused on building my emergency savings up. My last job didn’t offer retirement until the very end of my time there, and there was no employer match. I contributed the bare minimum to my 401k; it has about $300 in it. With my current job, retirement match is factored into the salary.
Equity: $0. Not a home owner.
Savings account balance: $15,765. $1,150 in a Chase savings account, $13,519 in a HYSA, $1,046 in my Qapital account. Technically I use Qapital to save for taxes, but I know I won’t owe anywhere close to $1,000 since my 2020 freelancing was infrequent. I doubt it’ll even be up to $250.
Checking account balance: $2,227 (payday was today!)
Credit card debt: $0. I use my credit card like a debit card so I can rack up cash back. I pay it off every day.
Student loan debt: $21,417. I graduated in 2015 with a BA in French and English. Original debt was ~$33,000. Before the pandemic my interest was 4.5%. Interest is now 0%.
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SECTION TWO: INCOME PROGRESSION2015-2016 - $15/hr as a remote intern for a major website. This was my first paid position out of college. I learned a lot about web content and writing for online audiences. This was part-time at 25 hours a week.
2016 - $2,700/month as a Content Writer. I created scripts and training materials for various companies to train their employees. Started this job in March and was unexpectedly laid off in December. Sucked at the time but turns out it was a blessing in disguise...The work was soulless and I didn’t like it.
2017 - ~$850/month stipend as an Americorps VISTA. At the start of the year I got a Development position at a nonprofit I volunteered at, hoping to gain grant writing experience. I absolutely would NOT have done this had I not been living at home. I also collected an additional $400 a month in unemployment until July since I was technically a federal volunteer, not an employee, therefore still eligible for benefits.
2017 - $37,000/year as a Development Coordinator, primarily writing grants. The person in this position left and I was asked to step in. I didn’t get my ed stipend since I ended my VISTA year 5 months early.
2018 - $38,250/year - COL raise.
2019 - $43,000/year then $45,000. I was promoted to manager.
2020 - $47,000/year - COL raise.
2020 - $60,000/year. I had been job hunting hard when COVID hit and I subsequently became discouraged. I was desperate to leave my job...the people I worked with were wonderful but I felt like my growth was stifled, the amount of staff turnover was draining, and our pay was below market rate. I ended up finding my new job through my network. I was very excited to not work in fundraising anymore. The events of 2020 confirmed that I didn’t want to make a career out of coaxing rich white folks to relinquish a tiny amount of their wealth to support youth of color. My now-boss and I talked extensively over Zoom before I received my offer letter in July. It’s been a great learning opportunity, even though starting a new job remotely is strange and sometimes lonely. Having a cat helps :)
Main Job Monthly Take Home**:** $3,846. This is after $50 is deducted for Vision, Dental, Medical.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: $100-$400. I write product guides for a website sometimes. These days I only take on work if I’m anticipating new expenses that month. This income is in addition to my 60k salary, since what I make from my side hustle varies. Last year I made $2,200, the year before it was over $5,000.
Other: ~$250/year in cash back from my credit card
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SECTION THREE: EXPENSES
Rent: $1,025 in a decently-sized studio that I share with my cat. Rent encompasses all utilities, including internet. This is dropping down to $975 starting April 1 - yay!
Renters Insurance: $5
Savings (monthly unless it says otherwise): ~$300 goes into a High Yield Savings Account. I automate $50 a week then throw in an extra $100 - $200, depending on the month.
I save $80 - $120 with the Qapital app. I got it before they started charging so my account is free.
Retirement contribution: $315- $415 into a Roth IRA. Maybe I should up payments so I can max it out, really torn between that or boosting student loan payments. I throw an extra hundred dollars in there some months.
Debt payments: All I have is federal student loan debt. Since starting my job in July I’ve been paying $500/month, throwing in extra when I have it. I’m going to increase this to $600/month starting in February. Would love to have it paid off by the time I’m 30, or during my 30th year. I’m not holding my breath for student loan forgiveness, but if it starts to seem like a real possibility then I’ll cut back on payments.
Donations: $300 to my mom and dad. I come from a working-class background and make more than both parents combined. My dad was unemployed for a while, and as I write this has become unemployed again. I worry a lot about my folks financially. In our culture it’s expected that we take care of our parents as they age, so there’s that component too.
Also $25 to a local nonprofit. $9 to a local theater company for which I’m a board member. Our board is very low-key and not a fundraising one.
Then usually ~$500 more throughout the year for various causes.
Electric: Included in rent.
Wifi/Cable/Landline: Included in rent.
Cellphone: $43
Subscriptions: ~$63. $18 for Patreon, $10.89 for Spotify Premium, $16.34 for HBOMax, $7.62 for Disney+, $9.71 for Netflix.
Pet expenses: I spend roughly $80 on food + probiotics and $20 on litter, which I buy in bulk. The monthly amount really fluctuates though. I’ve spent about $1,500 on my cat since I adopted her in October. Including getting basic stuff like a litter box, a cat tree, toys, food/water bowls, a carrier, etc. along with the adoption fee. I took her to the vet earlier last month and that was $450. She was vomiting frequently :(
Car payment / insurance: $0. Car free, baby.
Therapy: $100
Paid hobbies: $120 annually for my personal website.
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FINANCIAL BACKGROUND
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Yes. I’m a child of immigrants and we place a high premium on education. Skipping college was never an option. Luckily, I’ve always done well in school and would have gone to college regardless. I think about grad school sometimes but there has to be a good ROI. Maybe one day. I borrowed 33k in student loans for undergrad, which isn’t that bad considering that I went to a private school that cost $200,000 over 4 years. I paid for the rest with work study, along with merit-based and need-based scholarships.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
We didn’t discuss finances too often. I did get an allowance when I was younger and paid for the things I wanted (mostly books and CDs from my local Borders) by saving that money. My parents always had the mindset that credit cards can work as emergency funds...as an adult I strongly oppose that way of thinking. My parents accrued a lot of credit card debt and I never wanted that to be me. Which is why I only use my CC now as a debit card. I never put anything on there that I can’t pay off in full.
What was your first job and why did you get it?
I was in this program where teens get paid to participate in arts programs. I did theater for three years in HS, I think the stipend was ~$400 every two months. My first real job with wages was working retail the summer before college. I was making $8.25/hr. Both jobs were for spending money.
Did you worry about money growing up?
I didn’t worry necessarily, but I was aware that there were people with more than us. My mom was out of work for a few years due to some chronic pain and we had a Link card then. I had free/reduced lunch growing up and got fee waivers for all of my college apps. I was also aware of my privilege as an American citizen. My parents regularly sent money home to poorer family members. I learned early that it’s better to be working class here than it is over there.
Do you worry about money now?
Yes. I know I’m luckier than many. But I also have no generational wealth to inherit. Sometimes I feel really behind when I see people my age or younger with six figures in their retirement, $50,000 in stocks, or money passed down from family. I worry most about taking care of my parents in old age. I have an older brother so it’s a relief that we can at least share costs, when the time comes.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
I became 100% financially responsible when I moved out at age 25. Before then I was contributing $400/month towards rent. If I fell on really hard times I could probably move in with my folks, but otherwise I'm my own safety net.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
My mom cashed out an $800 savings bond for spending money when I studied abroad in college, but otherwise nope.
Day 1 - Wednesday
morning
Another dreary January day. It’s been consistently snowing for the past two days and very overcast to boot. I spend some time lazing in bed until my Mom unexpectedly calls to ask me if I can print out her worker’s comp form to see if she'll qualify for any. She contracted COVID from her job a few weeks ago and, thankfully, is recovering. I tell her I don’t have a printer and hang up, slightly annoyed, after telling her I’ll print it from the library later. This was the 4th day in a row of her calling me and conversations with her can be hard to cut short (I’m not an asshole, honest).
I get up and feed my cat, E., her breakfast with a probiotic, take my gummy vitamins, and get ready for the day (brush teeth, moisturize face and hair, put on black skinny jeans and a navy and white speckled sweater with hoop earrings). I throw some sliced bananas, kale, frozen blueberries, honey, almond milk, and ginger into the blender for a smoothie. Once that’s poured into a glass I take a seat at my corner desk to begin my work day.
Afternoon
My foul mood lingers but I work through it. There’s a big deadline coming up soon so my days have been pretty full. E. climbs into my lap while I work and I give her some head rubs. I adopted her 4 months ago. There was a learning curve for me, as someone who grew up with 0 pets, but E.’s made it very worthwhile. She only recently began to "loaf" in my lap and I love it, even during inopportune moments like Zoom meetings.
Lunchtime! Today it’s tomato basil soup I made over the weekend with open-faced grilled cheese on french bread. The bread is getting stale but it’s almost finished anyhow, and slathering it with cheese and butter works wonders. I put out the kitty’s lunch, too. E. eats some of it then jumps into my bed, curling up for a midday nap. Wish I could do the same. Sigh.
I buckle down and get back to work, now doing somewhat-tedious data entry. After about an hour and a half I decide to walk to the library to print my mom’s forms. I order a Toasted White Hot Chocolate with almond milk from Starbucks ($4.60) so I have something warm to drink on my walk. I’m not a coffee drinker because of my caffeine sensitivity. Sometimes even a mug of black tea will make me lightheaded if I drink it too fast!
Evening
Work day is over. I outline my to-do list for tomorrow and cross off the things I accomplished today. My Dad is downstairs to pick up the forms I printed for my mom. After dropping off the forms I change into comfy clothes and assign myself a freelance assignment. I’m applying for a weekend writing workshop next month that will cost $300. I may not get in, but in case I do, I want to be prepared! The fun thing about my freelancing is that I get to choose the topics I want to write about. I select an assignment on skincare products.
Time to make breakfast for dinner: smashed fingerling potatoes with sauteed bell pepper, red onion, and broccoli topped with a fried egg and half an avocado. Seasoned with Lawry's and drizzled with sriracha. I get cozy on my loveseat to eat dinner. I also send an email to a man I've been corresponding with daily, D, for the last month and a half. We met out of the blue on an online forum - not Reddit - and have been enjoying each other's online company :) I'm not rushing to label anything, especially since he lives a state away. We're just seeing where things go for now.
For the rest of the evening I read my book while E. sleeps curled up next to me and Wendy Williams plays on TV. Then I get into my nighttime routine: smoke from my one hitter, put on some music and hop in the shower, where I also wash my face. Out the shower, I lotion up with shea butter and rub a gentle toner on my face. I make a mental note to re-up on weed soon. It's taxed to hell (welcome to Cook County. They tax everything here) but at least it's stimulating the local economy. I floss and brush my teeth before getting under the covers.
TOTAL: $4.60
Day 2 - Thursday
Morning
My body naturally wakes me up around 7:30. I remain in bed, mostly browsing Reddit on my phone, before committing to getting out of bed. I feed E. her breakfast and daily probiotic, take gummy vitamins and clean the last of my dishes from the night before. The sun pours through my south-facing windows and my heart sings - yesss, let there be light! I brush my teeth, moisturize my hair with coconut oil and moisturize my face. I pick out a black ribbed turtleneck and black high-waist jeans to wear, but ultimately decide to rock my loungewear until I have to leave my apartment.
I make a smoothie with the other avocado half from last night, frozen mango chunks, the last of my frozen blueberries, ginger, almond milk, and honey. I highly recommend avocados in smoothies. The creamy texture is to die for! I log into my work email and have a couple fires to put out. While I work, I polish off the rest of my Vitner’s Crunchy Kurls. IYKYK. I also reply to my email from D. this morning. Yesterday we were both in bad moods but this morning we’re doing better, mood wise. We talk about how rough our Januaries were - with my mom recovering from COVID and his dad in the hospital since the beginning of the year - and how we deserve a nice treat for getting through the month. We agree that lifetime supplies of books (for me) and movies (for him) would be fitting.
afternoon
My morning was full speed ahead but things are slowing down so I pause to read a Money Diary on here. I so admire this diarist’s conviction in language learning/maintenance! My French is dans la poubelle because I haven’t kept up in a long time. For a while I’d do Duolingo, watch French-language movies and shows on Netflix, and book trips to Francophone cities so I could practice speaking (last trip was Montreal in December 2018). When COVID blows over I want to go to Martinique. I remind myself to check out some French-language films soon. I’m open to any recommendations, especially media that focuses on Francophones outside of France, or those from immigrant communities :)
I return to my data entry task. Giving away grants is fun. Tracking dollar amounts and grantee info with excel formulas, less so. I finish up the last of my soup and grilled cheese sandwich and give E. her lunch. I put on the student loan episode of Patriot Act as I eat. I’d truly be wowed if student loan forgiveness actually came to fruition. It’s either somewhat likely or not likely at all, depending on who you ask.
Post-lunch, I’m craving cupcakes bad. Did I mention I have an unrelenting sweet tooth? I look up cupcakes near me and mentally bribe myself with a cupcake order if I get my work done.
evening
My cupcake craving has subsided. I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow. I normally eat dinner around 7 or 8pm but opt for an early dinner today: my leftover Mongolian Beef and peapod tips in garlic sauce, yum. I ordered Chinese takeout on Sunday. While my rice cooks, I bundle up for a trip to Walgreens. When I'm there I get a big thing of Dawn dish soap, some antibacterial wipes that are on sale, a bag of roasted cashews, a Reese's Fast Break bar, and a small bag of Pirate's Booty ($16.83).
By the time I get back my rice is nearly finished. My sink has some dirty dishes, so I wash those before reheating the Mongolian beef and peapod tips on my stove top. I'm one of those weirdos without a microwave… don't miss it at all though. I dig into my leftovers and reply to a message from D. which is quite imaginative. In the sexual sense ;) D. has a very sensual way with words and as a writer of course I'm into it. I go back for seconds, finishing the rest of my takeout leftovers. After dinner and some more reddit browsing I do my evening shower routine. At 10:30 pm my upstairs neighbor is annoyingly doing jumping jacks (that’s what it sounds like) or something that makes it very hard to focus. Ugh.
TOTAL: $16.83
DAY 3 - Friday
MorningI fell asleep unexpectedly and woke up around 2am. This kind of thing happens a lot. I guess my cat has adapted too, she’s always bugging me for food in the early morning hours. I feed my cat, brush my teeth, crawl back into bed and fall asleep an hour or so later.
I’m up again at 7:30, laying in bed before officially getting up. My mom calls me and I remember I promised to order her a Lyft to work. Her workplace has the COVID vaccine and she’s going to get the first dosage. She mentions that some symptoms are coming back - like shortness of breath, which she didn’t even have the first time - even though she’s been on the mend for the past week and just got the go-ahead from her doctor to work again. After I order my mom the Lyft ($31.46 incl. tip) I indulge in my nasty habit of googling medical stuff. I find an article about a woman who ended up in the hospital unexpectedly, 5 MONTHS after getting symptoms. Cue cortisol levels going up. I also have a work meeting this morning that I’m nervous about, having never led it alone before.
I get out of bed, feed my cat her breakfast + probiotic, take gummy vitamins, and get dressed with a black turtleneck, black jeans, and small hoop earrings. I try to breathe and remind myself that all will be fine. I have a habit of catastrophizing and generally thinking in worst-case scenarios, if that wasn’t already obvious. My meeting ends up going perfectly fine though, and my mom texts me later to say she took the train home (my Dad needed the car for work this morning). She is feeling fine for now. Since I skipped my morning smoothie I make one now with pear, kale, frozen strawberries, almond milk and honey. Eh, I’ve had better. But it’s drinkable.
afternoon
My morning flew! I’m running low on food so for lunch, I throw some crinkle cut fries in the oven. Grab an avocado, red onion, and a roma tomato from the fridge to make a quick guac. I also make a side of sriracha mayo.
Today is payday. It’s my rent paycheck so I’m not as excited tho. While my fries are in the oven I move some money to my Roth IRA. I watch one of my favorite Youtubers, King of Reads, while I eat my lunch. He has an interesting take on Gamestop Gate and basically says, abolish all this stock market shit. I do think there are a lot of evils in American capitalism, which was literally built off the backs of s colonized peoples. Like is this system even for us?
After lunch I get back to work. I also do something I seldom do: order groceries off Instacart. The anxiety of the day has drained me and I don’t feel like lugging a bunch of groceries home. Plus, the store I order from is cheaper than the one closest to me. I get some jasmine rice, a family pack of Nongshim ramen, green onions, carrots, zucchini, sirloin steak, ginger root, yellow onions, chili paste, bell peppers, white mushrooms, yellow squash, bok choy, kombucha, bamboo skewers, grape tomatoes, a bottle of Apothic Red and some hazelnut cookies. Add $10 for tip ($74.48). I do walk to the local grocery store anyway to 1) get some fresh air while it’s still daylight and 2) pick up smoothie ingredients. From there I get a big bag of frozen mixed berries, frozen mango chunks, an avocado, three bananas, almond milk, coconut sparkling water, and a sweet Belgian waffle ($18.15).
Evening
I knock out the last of my work tasks just in time for teletherapy at 5:10. I love my therapist. Been seeing her for going on three years and she’s changed my life. We talk and I feel lighter, remembering the progress I’ve made since I first walked into her office crying in 2018. After we hang up I get an email receipt for the cost, which is accounted for in monthly expenses. I put away my instacart delivery and message a bit more with D. Even though we’re just emailing, I truly enjoy his company. He makes me feel incredibly attractive and soft.
Glass of red wine in one hand, I play with E. for 15 minutes. Despite her age (over 10) she’s spry and will bug the hell out of me to indulge her. I spend the rest of the evening on the couch decompressing with my wine. I do my nightly shower routine but skip the weed because I know it'll make me fall asleep ASAP. Then I fry up the rest of my breakfast for dinner ingredients (minus avocado and egg) and eat them with sriracha.
TOTAL: $124.09
DAY 4 - Saturday
morning
Oops. Fell asleep and woke up at an odd hour. Again. Go brush my teeth and floss. My kitty is very awake and bugging me for attention so I smoke, play with her a bit, and go back to sleep.
Wake up a few hours later. I hear the unmistakable retching of my cat throwing up. Maybe she went too long without food...I mop up the small puddle with paper towels and spray my rug liberally with Nature's Miracle. When I feed E. her breakfast + probiotic she keeps it all down. I take gummy vitamins and get back into bed. From my phone, I go to my local dispensary's website to place an order for pick up, ultimately choosing a strain I've had before that's on sale. I log into my checking account to transfer money to my mom (accounted for in monthly expenses).
Actually get out of bed for real around 9:45am. Scoop E.’s litter box and prepare to get some freelance work done. I make a mango, pear and avocado smoothie with almond milk and honey and sit down to work. Girls plays in the background. I never watched this show when it was popular and was surprised by how funny it is (albeit problematic for a number of reasons).
Afternoon
Snack break! I brew some black tea and have it with the hazelnut cookies I got yesterday. 90 minutes later, once I’m two-thirds through my assignment, I make actual lunch: ramen noodles spruced up with minced garlic and ginger, scallion whites, bok choy, and mushrooms. All topped with scallion greens. Easy and d e l i c i o u s. There’s another snowstorm, urgh. I’m walking to pick up my weed and from my window, it doesn’t look too bad right now. Preorder a Honey Citrus Mint from Starbucks for the long walk ($3.27) and bundle up. It’s an hour round trip but I love walking and don’t really work out so...I take my exercise where I can get it. Stop by the ATM to withdraw cash for flower ($70). On my way back from picking up I indulge in a carrot cake slice from a popular bakery in the area. ($8.13 incl. tip). Okay, I’m set on sweets for awhile. For now :)
Evening
I finally wrap up my freelance assignment and share it with my editor. Shower time. Take a hit from my one hitter and do my nightly routine. Once finished, I change my mind on dinner. I’d originally planned to make a quick "bibimbap" (air quotes because it's very much a knock off) and even steamed rice ahead of time, but carrot cake is sounding good right now. Carrot cake it is! I have some more hazelnut cookies for a well-balanced meal. Give the kitty her dinner and fall asleep with the TV on.
TOTAL: $81.40
DAY 5 - Sunday
Morning
Woke up at an odd hour again. (around 4 am). E. is being a butt once again so I feed her an early breakfast with her probiotic. Brush my teeth, floss, and go back to sleep for a few hours. Get up and out of bed for real around 9:30 and clean up a bit, doing one load of laundry and vacuuming my rug and floors. I finally cook and eat the bibimbap meant for yesterday (minus the egg). I have a virtual date with a college friend I haven’t spoken to in a while, so we spend a few hours catching up! My friendship with her is ever-evolving. She was someone I put on a pedestal for a long time, until she disappointed me when I really needed her and hurt me deeply. I’ve worked to let go of that resentment and remind myself that 1) she is very much human, 2) she is not a better person than I am and 3) I can’t expect everyone to have the same heart that I have. Tough but necessary lessons to learn.
Afternoon
I really should deep clean E’s litter box today but ehhhh, not feeling it. I clean my bathtub, bathroom sink and mirror instead and wipe down some surfaces. I also sip some red wine blended with frozen strawberries (10/10, would recommend!) and start meal prepping for later. I’m making suya - West African meat skewers - so I thinly slice my sirloin steak while it’s semi-frozen and refrigerate the rest to fully defrost. I also chop up more garlic, ginger, bok choy, mushrooms, and scallions for ramen later. I know I’m going to get high very soon and won’t want to do too much, so I’m doing what future high-me will thank me for. Light an oudh incense stick, reply to a message from D., and submit my $250 invoice for freelance work. Put food out for E.
The snow is still pouring in from yesterday. Maybe we’ll get those 10 inches of snow after all. I smoke a bit and cook the same ramen as yesterday but add a fried egg and some sesame oil. I inhale the whole thing and drink all the broth, either it's really this amazing or I'm just stoned. For dessert, I brew black tea and have it with the rest of my hazelnut cookies.
evening
Shower routine time! As much as I hate cleaning the bathtub, that first shower afterwards is the best. Wash my hair with Aussie Moist conditioner (I keep my hair very short and cut it myself) and moisturize with copious coconut oil. Listen to one of my favorite podcasts while in the shower, Say Your Mind with Kelechi Okafor. I love listening to her and her brother’s banter, it feels like I'm among friends.
I've been eating throughout the day so I'm not too hungry come dinner time. I have some crinkle cut fries with sriracha mayo and crack open a kombucha. Rewatch more old episodes of Girls. Why is Adam Driver so attractive to me, even if his character on the show is awful (they're all awful, really)?
TOTAL: $0
Day 6 - Monday
morning
Odd sleep hours strike again! I should mention that I also brush my teeth while I’m in the shower, lest you think I brush once a day only :) Take gummy vitamins and give my nagging E. her early morning meal after playing with her a bit. Scroll on Reddit until I fall back asleep.
Get up and start the day for real at 8:40. Clean a few dirty dishes from last night and give E. breakfast, round #2 with her probiotic. Brush my teeth moisturize my hair, and choose an oatmeal, knee-length knit dress to wear with small hoop earrings. I make a smoothie with a navel orange, some frozen strawberries, frozen banana that I almost forgot about, and almond milk. It’s February now. Happy Black History/Present/Future Month. February is actually one of my least favorite months but after the January I’ve had, I’m ready to move on swiftly. E. is fascinated by all the snowblowing that our neighbors do outside the window. Chicago hasn’t been hit this hard with snow in 5 years - 9 inches!
This is a very slow morning, work wise. Snack on cashews. Work on some excel data and open a tab for Girl Scout Cookies. It’s that seasonnnn. Note that there’s a four box minimum to get cookies. I’ll save my cookie order for next week.
afternoon
The sunlight is giving me life today. I’m getting my Vitamin D through the window, though a walk to the beach sounds lovely. After doing a bit more work, it’s lunch time. I steam some jasmine rice and fry carrots, zucchini, mushrooms, bok choy, and scallion whites in soy sauce and chili paste for my knockoff bibimbap. With an egg this time. Then I decide to bundle up and walk to the beach for additional vitamin D. I only live five minutes away :) . The sand and shoreline are all covered in snow but peaceful nonetheless. I've actually never been to the beach in the dead of winter before. God, I love Lake Michigan. Never understood the hype around oceans, especially because you can't drink the water. Have my phone check in with my boss. Message a bit with D. and round up my tasks for the day.
evening
D. encouraged me to follow my impulses and order the greasy pizza I’m craving right now. But I have food in the fridge. Sigh. Cut up my veggies and season them for veggie kabobs to go with the suya, which has marinated in a spice rub. Put the veggies and meat on skewer sticks and put it all in the oven. It comes out…okay-ish. The meat is a bit overdone and not as flavorful as I'd hoped. Not terrible for a first try, I suppose. Eat two veggie kabobs and two suya sticks. Fall down the Reddit rabbithole for way too damn long. Also check on my mom and how she's doing. She said she's okay now, taking things one day at a time. Feed the kitty her dinner. Do my nighttime routine (including brushing my teeth) and snuggle in bed to watch more Girls. Snack on graham crackers since I have no other sweets or candy handy.
TOTAL: $0
Day 7 - Tuesday
morningMe and my fucked up sleep schedule. No judgment, plz. Wake up at an odd hour again, brush my teeth, feed the cat, smoke a bit, and go back asleep.
My mom calls me at 8 to tell me she might need me to call her a Lyft again - this is not a typical nor regular expense btw - because she has one of her work trainings and my Dad took the car for work. She asks if I still want to go to Nigeria this summer since she’s about to get tickets. IDK! I’m not comfortable traveling internationally...but my Nigerian passport also expires this year and it was a huge pain in the ass to get it in the first place. I enjoy visiting, though I always have a lot of personal shit to navigate while there. Being part of a diaspora is complicated.
Also wake up to a steamy message from D. Steamy enough for me to get myself off, truly the best way to start any morning. My period has started...fun. I was expecting it though. Feed E. her breakfast with a probiotic, take gummy vitamins, brush my teeth, moisturize hair, and get dressed in a grey turtleneck, black Adidas soccer pants, and gold hoop earrings. Blend frozen mango chunks, a small banana, greek yogurt and almond milk into a smoothie. I also brew a cup of lemon tea. Pop two ibuprofen and start my work day with a staff meeting.
afternoon
Light a candle and keep working! Ok, I actually break for a few YouTube videos, one from MelinaPendulum about the Sex And the City reboot. To sum it up: why do one?? What’s the point if Samantha isn’t even coming back? I put out E.’s lunch. I also steam some jasmine rice to eat with the suya and veggie kabobs from last night. Damn I wish I had some steak sauce. Oh well. Eat lunch and call a Lyft for my mom. ($25.99, incl. tip). Work with more Sex and the City in the background.
EveningThe work day has ended and I am desperately in need of snacks! I load $10 on my Starbucks app and then decide to not get anything. I planned to fuck up some hot chocolate but the way my cramps are fading and coming back, it’s best to stay away from a drink with 57 grams of sugar. Pick up some Lysol wipes, a bottle of club soda, Fig Newtons, Ritz Crackers to go with the block of cheese in my fridge, a Reese’s Fast Break bar, and some Haribo Happy Cola gummies. ($11.69)
Get home, pour a small glass of Apothic Red and play with E. for a little bit. Then go down another Reddit rabbithole before making my dinner - ramen, minus the egg. Still delicious! Message D. for a bit and do my shower routine. I did not read very much this week, maybe it’s a testament to me not liking my book that much? Hmmm....my neighbor starts his incredibly annoying exercise routine and I fall asleep waiting for it to stop.
TOTAL: $47.68
--
GRAND TOTAL = $274.60
Food + Drink = $133.37
Fun / Entertainment = $70
Home + Health = $13.78
Other = $57.45
All in all, this was an unsurprising week, especially since I’m already in the habit of tracking expenses daily. The two atypical things were the Lyft rides for my mom - an infrequent occurrence - and my weed purchase, which happens once monthly. I suppose I could have included that in my monthly expenses. Please don’t roast me for my sleep schedule! I know issa mess. Also, I feed my cat four times a day in case that’s unclear.
Edit: Any and every time I left my home I wore a mask and then washed my hands thoroughly upon return.
submitted by Continuing… He grimaced and growled and launched himself toward me. He made it about 0.5 meters before an Ankylosaur tail club (or Thagomizer, whichever) connected with the right temporal region of his cranium. He never hit the ground as Toivo had him in a severe and decidedly uncomfortable-looking hammerlock. He had the goof’s hands pinned before gravity could fully take over.
I produce three inescapable thick plastic Zip-ties, of which I always carry a supply, and bind his wrists as Toivo frog-marched him back to his seat.
“Ribbit. Ribbit, asshole”, Toivo snickered all the way back to the land of the cheap seats.
His significant other or sister or first cousin or whatever is seated and begs us not to turn the plane around.
“He’s just drunk. That’s all!” she says like that’s some form of excuse.
For some. Maybe.
For your buddy, lover, cousin, whatever; no way.
“OK, then he’ll be handed over to the Japanese authorities when we land. No skin off my rosy-red proboscis.” I replied as Toivo unceremoniously dumps the miscreant in his aisle seat with a decidedly agreeable, and somewhat soggy, “kerflop!”.
Seems our loudmouth drunk needs his big boy pants before he begins a drunken tirade.
“Ick”, I noted to Toivo, reminding him that there are sanitizer stations all over the plane.
“Tidy up, “ I said, “No idea what communicables this carbuncle is carrying.”
I fit the next set of zip-ties snugly around his ankles as his significant something-or-other goes positively apeshit.
“You have no fucking right! Who the fuck do you think you are!?” she bellows.
I turn from grinning ear-to-ear at Toivo and look directly into this piece of human flotsam’s vacant, vapid eyes.
“I, ma’am, am the
MOTHERFUCKING PRO FROM DOVER and this is my able-bodied assistant, Mr. Hyde.
<
EEGAH!> replies Toivo.
“Thank you, able-bodied assistant”, I say to Toivo as he’s already wanting to head back to Business Class to begin ordering drinks from where he left off previously on the drinks menu.
I continue with this refugee from Uncle Tom’s Medicine Cabinet by letting her know into exactly what world of fuckery her significant whatever just wandered.
“I am also a duly authorized United States of America Air Marshall”, as I pull my Diplomatic passport and show her the very shiny and very official badge I keep there.
“So, if you would like to join your…whatever…when we land by being bound over to the local Prefecture Police personages, then, by all means, keep irritating me. My assistant and I have a
very large supply of inescapable zip-ties.” I said, lowly, slowly, and growly.
She sat down suddenly, shut up, and was unpredictably very interested in the carpeted floor of the plane at that point.
I had Toivo connect the guy’s wrist zip-ties with his ankle zip-ties.
I look at my watch.
“Hmmm…6.03 seconds. Very nice, Mr. Hyde. A new record. You win a cookie. And a cold one.” I smiled at Toivo who realized that all, except his throbbing hangover, was forgiven.
“All set?” I asked. Toivo nodded in approval, and we departed that scene and headed back to Business class and away from the pedestrian displays of such hoi-polloi.
Luna greeted up with a brace of fresh cocktails.
“Why thank you, Luna”, I smiled, “How did you guess that corralling idiots was thirsty work?”
“Oh, Doctor Rock. You not tell me everything. You no Air Marshall.” She joshed.
“Funny.”, I said, digging out my passport, “This here says that I am.”
Luna looks more closely and swoons a bit.
“You are Pro from Dover! I hear you. Everybody in plane hear you! You are too funny to be Air Marshall!”, she laughs.
“Probably, but I’m on the injured reserve list. Oh, look. My drink’s gone dry…”
Luna laughs, Toivo stammers, and I get a refill.
Sleeping Ugly, in the rear of the plane, is still snoozing off his brush with death when this character in a natty and expensive-looking three-piece suit wanders into Business Class.
“You are Dr. Rocknocker, the,
ahem, very loud Pro From Dover?” he asks.
I sit up straight, rearrange my work area and affirm that is exactly who I am.
“Might I take a look at your credentials?” he asked, very politely.
“You might if you tell me what this is all about,” I replied.
“I’m Bill Hubbard, and I’m the Air Marshall for this flight.” He says.
“Well, Bill. Nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Rocknocker, and Air Marshall
pro tem for any flight I’m on. Call me Rock. That’s what the guys at the Agency call me.” I smile brightly.
“Ah.
That explains it. Might I see your credentials, Doc…er...Rock?” He asks.
“Certainly.” As I produce my Red Russian Diplomatic passport.
He looks very confused.
“Open it”, I offer.
“Well, I’ll be damned. There must be some great stories that go with all this.” Bill smiles.
“That there are”, I say, retrieving my credentials and asking if Bill would like to join Toivo, yet another covert character, and me in a drink.
“Nah, thanks. However, if you don’t mind, I’ll take over that hogtied idiot back in economy for you. You look like your plate’s full enough.” He offered.
“That’s fine by me. I’ll have an IR (Incident Report) for you directly.” I replied.
“Damn. You really are a Marshall. Pack a plaster cast instead of a piece. Nice.” He laughed.
“Just my way of being disarming,” I replied.
Bill chuckled, shook his head, rolled his eyes, shook both our hands, and returned to his seat.
“Nice guy. Glad he’s here. I want nothing else to do with that loudmouthed asshole.”
“That much is certain”, Toivo agreed.
“Well, since you’re back with the living, care for a drink?” I asked as I motioned to Luna.
“You are -not- human”, Toivo gasped as Luna repaired to the galley to make our drinks.
“That”, I smiled as I drained my drink, “is something which I never claimed to be.”
Well, life wore on. We landed at Narita Airport in Tokyo without further incident.
Drunky McAsshole was escorted off the plane by Bill and he looked very, very unhappy indeed.
I nodded to him and tipped my drink in that inimitable Midwestern manner.
He didn’t even nod back.
The prick.
Anyways.
I thought we were headed to Haneda, but something must have changed in-flight. No worries, since all I have to do is collect my luggage, find a driver and get him to take me to the train station.
I wander down the jetway, Toivo close behind. He’s headed to the Marunouchi Business District, and I’m headed for Tokyo Station. I could take the train, it’s only an hour and about 3,000 yen, but I had a compelling reason not to go.
I didn’t fucking want to.
I’m walking slowly away from my terminal, and head over to passport control and baggage.
I’m through in a trice, and now I’m wondering what the fuck I’m going to do. A couple of travel cases, my well case, a buggered left hand, and…
As I walk out of the baggage area, I see this whisper-thin chap holding a placard: “Doctor Rocknocker, USA”.
Hmmm…
“Hello? “ I asked the gaunt, thin-clad one.
“Hello. You are Doctor Lock…Lockrocker…Doctor…” He stammers.
“Yeah”, I say and hand him my business card, “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock. It’s so much easier for everyone.”
“Ah, yes. So, Mr. Dr. Rock. Pleased to be meeting you. I am from the train company. You have First Class on the Tokyo-Sapporo express?” he asks.
“Why yes. Yes, I do.” I replied.
“Then you will come with me. I will escort you to ground transportation to the train station and to your First Class chamber on the train.” He bows slightly and whistles shrilly for a porter to handle my bags.
“Thank you so much…um, and your name?” I ask.
“I am Gin, your humble servant”, he actually and really says.
“Gin? No shit? Excuse me. Sorry, that just slipped out. What a perfect name. Damn glad to meet you”, I said and extended my less damaged right hand.
He bowed, I sort of bowed; my back cracked like old kindling. He extended his hand, I extended mine. He bowed and I tried to shake his hand. If I were watching this from the outside as a spectator, it would have looked riotously funny.
I finally grab Gin’s right hand and at long last, a manly handshake ensues.
“About fucking time”, I muttered under my breath.
Gin and I are walking slowly to ground transport when he sees my slight limp, another gift of being a hired gun and traipsing all over the world. That and stopping a .45 with my thigh a few decades ago. That didn’t help much either.
“Stop here. I will get an electric cart.” Gin ordered.
I was a bit all-in by this time and too tired to argue.
“Groovy. Can I smoke here?” I asked.
“Not yet. Must wait until we reach outside.” He informs me.
“Fair enough.” I clip my cigar and shove it in my yap, but I didn’t light it.
Gin was going to lodge a small protest, but I say that I didn’t fire the thing up.
A cart arrives and we toss all my luggage and kit into the back. I take the passenger seat and Gin rides shotgun directly behind me.
“Gin, tell me, COVID is the reason it’s so quiet here,” I ask.
“Yes, Dr. Rock”, Gin exhales loudly, “It’s killing us who work in the ground transport and hospitality industries. Very bad. Not so many people die, that is sad, many, many more go hungry and lose jobs. This must stop soon.”
“I could not agree more, Gin”, I replied.
He’s just earned himself a real hefty tip, I muse, local tradition be damned.
We arrive outside and I ask Gin if I can fire up my heater now. He tells me yes, and that it would be fine to smoke in the vehicle that’s going to take us to the train station.
“Well, if that ain’t just ducky!” I chuckle. Gin looks on, very confused. “That’s great, Gin. Many thanks.”
“Ah. So…”, Gin says slowly. “Your ride is over there, we should be there in a few minutes.”
“Fair dinkum, Gin”, I say in austral approval.
I figured we’d be taking a sedan or van or SUV on the outside. Instead, Gin wheels us up to the second largest car, I would suppose, in the whole Goddamned prefecture. It’s a chauffeur-driven limo from Supernova-Zipline Limousines. It’s fucking huge; a stretch Mercedes limo. It probably has its own zip code, if not its own area code.
Gin grabs my bags and shoves them in the boot, scurries around, and pops open the rear door. I slowly de-putt-putt and ease into the opulent back seat of one of the largest cars in which I’ve ever had the pleasure of riding.
Jesus Q. Christwagons! Full bar! Stocked humidor! Satellite phone! Satellite TV. Satellite internet! A fucking closed-circuit telly system for the interior and exterior of the vehicle. An intercom for communicating with the driver.
“What?” I asked Gin, “No jacuzzi?”
“That car was busy today”, he smiled.
“Shame.”
I literally goggled the inside of this vehicle. It’s ridiculous in its opulence; especially for the likes of me.
“All these are here at your disposal. Of course, you will be charged for what you use, although the driver has already been paid. A gratuity is up to you when you arrive at the train station.” Gin informs me as I take a quick break from stuffing my carry-on with bottles of exclusive Japanese alcohol and fine cigars from around the world.
“Send the bill to these characters”, I say and hand him one of the many business cards I filched from Agents Rack and Ruin.
“By your leave”, Gin smiles. He will not be accompanying me to the train station, but his counterpart will meet me there and get me to my cabin on the train.
I make certain I sneak him a hefty gratuity’ Oriental proclivities be damned.
He accepts, looks at the pile of yen furtively, stashes it in his pocket and barks some orders into the intercom. By the time we exchange handshakes, the limo has been started and we are ready to attack traffic.
Tokyo traffic in a huge limo.
This should be fun.
But it twern’t.
The locals were deferentially courteous. They waited quietly until the winds shifted and the driver maneuvered the land yacht out of the parking place and into the wind and traffic. Once rolling, other drivers seemed to intuitively know this was not a normal vehicle and gave us a wide berth.
Well, where the blinkered hell is the fun in that?
I settled back in the far back with my seat reclined, a drink at the ready and my already lit cigar.
Yes, I was ready for anything.
But, nothing untoward happened.
Nothing but an interesting hour-long trip through a surprisingly vacant Tokyo. COVID I reckon, but we arrived at the train station less than an hour later.
It has to be the cleanest damned train station I’ve ever seen. Absolutely immaculate. Tons of stores of every imaginable description, plus a very well stocked duty-free.
I was already fairly well stocked, but I dropped by a House of Havana to see about a few cigars.
HOLY FUCKING GASP “So sorry, not at those prices.”
Holy shit. Who can afford a cigar habit in Japan? Christ on a crouton. Prices for Havana cigars fully 200-400% more expensive than the usual extortionate price one pay for these dubious smogs.
A courtesy car pulls up and asks if I was “Dr. Roclocncker” or something in that linguistic style. I affirm my identity verbally and with a business card, which the driver appreciates.
He, without asking, by the way, grabs my luggage, tosses it into the golf-cart
cum field transport and then asks me to park myself in the cart.
I ask, “Wot’s, uh, the deal?”
“VIP transport. Please to be hang on”, he says and we accelerate out into the thin crowds.
Within minutes we’re at my platform and my driver asks if I’m taking the Sapporo Express or the Tohoku/Hokkaido Shinkansen from Tokyo to Shin-Hakodate-Hokuto and transfer to the Hokuto limited express to Sapporo.
“The former”, I reply, somewhat vexed that they more than one line First Class, to Sapporo.
“Excellent”, he replies, and after going over my tickets, confirms what I had been told.
It really isn’t “First Class”, it’s “Gran Class”.
Evidently, there a difference.
From the brochure: “The Gran Class involves the use of a special train car with ample seating room (the more, the better), as well as the constant attention of your host or hostess. Trains generally have one Gran Class car along with standard and green cars. Service is also a point of interest in the Shinkansen Gran Class. Upon entering the train, an attendant will guide you to your seat. You will then be offered such amenities as a menu, drinks, blanket, drinks, warm towel, drinks, slippers (which may be taken home by the passenger), drinks, eye mask, and drinks.”
OK, I may have edited that a bit...
Once settled in and my bagged luggage whisked someplace safe but out of sight, I was handed a menu. They were very cautiously deferential about my plastered hand and made every effort to be extra accommodating for me.
I flip open the menu and read: “Our service reflects the land traversed, and is attentive to individual needs so that you may enjoy the trip in your own personal way. We are honored to make your travels a high point in your journey. The attendant can be called to your seat at any time using a button on the armrest. The menu options include gourmet delicacies, all locally sourced. For example, you may order a bento box featuring locally grown vegetables, along with fresh apple juice produced in Aomori*. Other options include drinks, snacks, alcoholic beverages, drinks, and a western-style lunch. All food and beverages are provided at no additional cost.”
Highly unlikely.
The train imperceptibly lurches and we’re moving out of the station and headed on our way up north.
Only 831 or so kilometers and this is one of the first runs of the Sapporo Express where you don’t have to stop after 4.5-5 hours, de-train, then catch a new express the rest of the way to Sapporo from Hokkaido.
This is just a very recent addition to the rail lines in Japan, and I’m among some of the first that get to experience a shakedown cruise and see how nice the cabin attendants can be towards me.
Halfway through my first drink, a Shochu (焼酎), which is a distilled liquor (like vodka), and fresh carbonated lime drink which I faux-racistly dub “The Locknockel”.
So solly. I’ll attempt to quell that impulse from here on out.
I’ll probably not be overly successful.
I am asked if I will be ordering lunch. I reply in the affirmative and leave it to them to find the best of what they think I’d probably like. I did ask for another drink, though. That appeared within seconds.
I’m slurping this new concoction and I glance out the window. Everything’s a fucking blur.
“Whoa! What kind of drinks do they serve here?” I asked, but Ford Prefect was nowhere to be seen.
It’s not the drink, it’s our velocity. Already we’re topping 300 KPH. You couldn’t prove it by me. It was smooth as silk and amazingly disconcerting to not feel at least a little bit of shimmying or shaking.
Not on these lines, Buckaroo. These are welded rails. Welded, ground and buffed to a high sheen.
The ride was smoother than my next drink, a Rocknocker made with Ao vodka.
“Named for the Japanese word for “blue,” Ao is made from Japanese rice and water sourced from the country’s southern island of Kyushu. Distilled in copper pots and refined through a bamboo filtration system, this vodka is creamy and lush, with an ethereal lightness and purity reminiscent of fresh spring water.”
It is also probably the favorite of distant dragons and important ancestors.
Anyways, the trip proceeded pretty much along these lines. Smoking was
verboten aboard all Japanese trains, but when I asked about the fact that I recall, or so I thought, that one of the perks of Gran Class was a private room where a passenger could while away the time along whatever ways he or she would choose, they were ready to allow me a cigar.
“No, wouldn’t be proper”, I maintained, “Wouldn’t be right”, I continued and handed each of my three personal retainers a cigar.
They each brought me a version of a drink they just knew I’d like based on my past few hour’s consumptions.
They were right. They were all quite lovely.
Now, truth be told, my left mitt was bothering me. Somehow the pain messages were finding a way upstream and I had to admit that it positively throbbed. I decided to forego any further libations for a while and try some of that ‘pain medication’ the medicos back in Caracas gave me.
“This is in case you have harsh pain”, Dr. Esparraguera and Dr. Díaz told me, “That is, more than your usual.”
“What is it?” I asked eyeing the large and frankly suspicious-looking black capsule.
“Oh, just a bit of morphine. A shot of ketamine. A little oxycodone. A drop of buprenorphine. Some tramadol and a smattering of Thorazine. That and
just a hint of mint.” They replied.
I wondered if I needed one or two.
Well, like my dear ol’ departed Granddad used to say: “When one’s not enough, and two is too many; best take three.”
Hey, I have a high pain threshold and I live with chronic pain. Now this hand was beginning to hurt to the point of a minor annoyance.
I swallowed three with the rest of my drink.
Then I was being roused by one of my cabin attendants.
“Sir, we are here. Sir? Sir? SIR!?!” the panicked attendant called.
“Oh, yes”, I snarfled. “So we are. Thank you so much for a splendid trip.”
She stood back to allow me room to go from horizontal to vertical.
“Ah! A few hours kip after a couple of drinks. I feel slightly more human again.” I said as I stretched and produced sounds like a cord of old firewood being run over by a custom Oldsmobile Rocket 88.
No one dared say a word, although there was a lot of body language flying around. They got my baggage and all my other bits-and-pieces loaded up and ready for me to travel.
I swear, I hadn’t walked 100 paces when we’re on the platform and there’s another thin-clad one with a “Dr. Rock” sign.
He walked over to me, I guess I give off Rock-ish vibes and ask if I am who I am.
I verified I was who I was.
Back in the read confines of another limo, a bit smaller than the one in Tokyo, but still none too shabby, and we’re headed to the labs of ウルトラシークレットテックカンパニー株式会社 [Ultrasecret Tech Company, Ltd.].
“How long until we get there?” I ask.
“Not long”, Came the reply, “20 minutes.”
“May I smoke?” I asked.
He pulled down a hand-polished wooden cover and a fully outfitted humidor sprang into view.
“I’ll take that as a yes”, I smiled and pulled out my pocket humidor and produced a smallish cigar that I figured would take about 20 minutes.
My co-pilot was watching very closely, and of course, I offered him one.
“Grab a spare for the driver”, I said, “But hold on to it until we get where we’re going.”
“Yes, sir”, came the brisk and rapid reply.
We arrived at the labs, which were housed in a very nondescript gray, closed window 5-story building. Could have been a bookbinder’s. Could have been a Gentleman’s Club. Could have been an abattoir, for all I knew.
Everything was done in muted and tasteful shades of gray, teal, light tannish brown and pinkish-mauve trying to go all purple. Carpets. Walls. Ceilings. Going to take some reconnoitering to get the layout of this place, I mumbled to myself.
“Dr! Rock! Hello! So glad you are here!”
It was the team leader, Dr. Uchibayashi Iesada, called Uchi from here on out.
The rest of the team, all doctors, were Yuhara Hideaki (Youhoo), Bando Michinaga (Bando), Fukutsuchi Kosho (Fukkit…no really), and Ms. Dr. Sasagawa Kaneru (Sassy).
And those are the names we used in parenthesis as I’m not going to type their names over again.
There was much bowing and handshaking and distribution of business cards. Again, to any outsider, it must have looked uproariously funny.
Seems I was to have my hand scanned today so the procedures can begin bright and early the next day.
I was told that I’d be staying here at the labs as they have one floor converted to a 5-Star Hotel, another floor for meetings, meals, and recreation. More floors for research, medical procedures, and whatever else these characters were into.
They are really big on cybernetics, robotics, automation, miniaturization, and human-machine interfaces.
Guess that’s why I’m here.
I was taken to my suite on the 5th floor, and damn, they weren’t kidding. This room was right out of the playbook of JP Morgan. Plush, well outfitted with every known electronic gizmo, probably surveillance cameras that could diagnose your drink before you had time to stir it, and a plush California King bed, Jacuzzi, and bar.
None of that mini-bar shit. Here, you’re good enough for a room, you’re good enough for a real size bar.
Plus, I had my own geisha.
Not for funny business, but a real geisha type person to aid and assist me while I was at the lab.
Her name was Ouchi Sakurako. She always addressed me as “Sir”, even though I told her that everyone calls me “Rock”, and that I was to refer to her as “Ouchi”.
Since that was her name.
She also told me what was expected of me and what I was to expect of her.
I was “Yōjin”, which I finally figured out, was Japanese for VIP. I was also 親分, which is “Boss”. Basically, I call the shots.
Ouchi was 従者, which is a bitch to translate; as it could be servant, valet, attendant, follower, assistant, or all of the above. She was an employee of the labs, specially hired for this position and she took it damned deadly seriously.
“No funny stuff”, she reiterated, wagging a finger at me.
I’m standing in my stocking feet, my square-toe Size 16 Black Caiman cowboy boots growling from the floor as I stand there, bereft of foot apparel, in my bespoke Cargo Shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, left hand bandaged like an Ankylosaur tail club, smoking a huge cigar and quaffing a fresh drink. I tilt my Stetson back on my forehead, peel off my Wayfarers, and give Ouchi a thoroughly washed stink eye.
“Do I
look like I’d be into funny stuff?”
Ouchi tried. Give her ‘er due. In the style of Montalván, she really tried.
She burst out laughing.
“Oh, hell”, I say to her, “I like you. You’ll do!”
“Ouchi?”
“Ouchi?”
“OK, it’s not
that funny a concept. You can stop laughing any time…”
Some people.
Ouchi was going to be with me for the duration. I was a guest, I was also a lab rat, however I was also a fairly high placed schmoe with connections. Ouchi had her own room in my room, which I thought was nice. Fairly basic amenities for her, but it afforded some privacy for the both of us if I needed to take a confidential call or I just wanted to take one of those uninspired butt-in-the-moonlight walks around my room.
I promised Ouchi that after the Myanmar incident, she would not have to worry about any shenanigans like that.
Ouchi gave me a tour of my suite, and as I hovered over at the bar, she committed several wanton acts of neatness. Boots in the closet along with my traveling bags. Hat hung on the hat rack. Sunglasses cleaned and left on my desk, next to everything she’s
ordnunked on, in and around my desk. My yukata (informal male dude guy’s kimono) was pressed and laid out, as were a fresh pair of Cargo Shorts, and a new pair of slippers. I had an assortment of shirts from which to choose, so I decided on an
R. Crumb print shirt.
“That should keep ‘em guessing”, I thought.
I had an appointment in a bit for some pictures. CAT Scan of the hand, MRI potentially, X-rays, the usual.
So, I figured they’d need me nice and relaxed, so I spent a few minutes instructing Ouchi in the fine art of making drinks.
She caught on quickly, and for the rest of my time at the lab, I don’t think I ever saw an empty glass. It either had a drink in it or it was drying from being freshly scrubbed.
She knew zip about cigars, but after a brief class on clipping and lighting cigars, I never had to worry about carrying or losing my favorite lighter.
I finished up my latest drink and cigar as Ouchi answered the door. There was an orderly with a wheelchair and was there to take me for some pictures.
The e-wheelchair was powered and could hit speeds of probably around 15 KPH, but I didn’t futz much with the controls as Sakakibara was a very capable orderly.
I was in and out of the radiology department in less than half an hour.
I dismissed Sakakibara as I wanted to execu-scoot around the labs and get the lay of the land. It was a very efficient layout of orthogonal ranks and file, so one couldn’t get too lost as the patterns repeated both horizontally and vertically.
Alas, I couldn’t smoke in the passageways and the tour got slightly boring after the next two floors of gun-metal mauve painted walls, excessively clean and detailed and primped halls, tasteful Scandinavian Modern art, fixtures, and floors.
It was like a hospital on steroids and I reminded myself that I hated hospitals, no matter how benevolent.
Besides, I was getting a wee bit cranky, cramped in the admittedly oversized wheelchair. I had decided, then and there, that I needed strong drink, a cigar, and a few laps in that Jacuzzi which I had only briefly glimpsed earlier.
I ring the door of my suite and Ouchi answers.
“Dr. Rock,” she says, “You are back. All go as planned?”
“Yes, Ouchi”, I replied, “However, now it is time for you to make yourself scarce as I need a
very strong drink, a huge cigar, and reservation for a few hundred laps in the Jacuzzi. We don’t have a robe anywhere near the size that would cover my ample corpus, so it’s my Body Armor T-shirt and boxer-briefs. No funny business, remember? So you get to sit this one out.”
“No, Doctor”, she said in a most defiant manner, “I am your 従者, I will accompany you to, and in, the baths. You will be submerged and with your left hand in a cast, it will need to be wrapped and sealed in plastic. I will make you a drink, cut and light your cigar. You will sit. You will wait until I return. I will get you a robe and swimming costume. Now stand so I can measure you.”
“Umm, Ouchi,”, I coughed and swallowed, “I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. Everything up to you helping me into the Jacuzzi is fine, but that’s solo territory. I can manage, trust me.”
“I will hear none of this”, she said in a loud, steady voice. “I have my orders, and now you have yours. Sit. I will return with your drink and cigar. Then you will be measured so I can properly clothe you for the baths. I will hear no more of this. Are we
green, Doctor?”
I looked at Ouchi with huge, wide laughing eyes.
“Green? Half a mo’, guv.” I smiled, “That’s my line. Where did you ever hear that?”
“I am very thorough”, Ouchi smiles. “I read your dossier before you arrived. It’s part of my job to know my clients.”
“Damn, Ouchi”, I smiled broadly, “Guess I can’t put one over on you. Very well. Veridian!”
“Veridian?” she asks.
“From lime to moss to forest to kelly. Green as the top of a new pool table.” I laughed.
“That is good”, she smiled, “Now, we have understanding. I will return with your drink, cigar and a tape measure.”
I shook my head approvingly.
Ouchi stops, turns, gives me a quick once over.
“A large one.” She smiles.
If smirks could cause injury, she’d be the one in the wheelchair.
“Cheek!” I smiled.
Ouchi spun professionally on her heel and busied herself with the projects at hand.
As I’m working on my fresh drink and cigar, after the indelicacies I was put through in order to get my measurements. Which in Japan, or so I was told, were reserved for
kaiju, Ouchi returns with the result of her shopping trip.
Plastic bags of the industrial thickness size for my left hand, even though I’ll be losing the cast tomorrow. A plastic spongy-towely thing to keep the water out, and fine-lock zip ties to seal the whole thing from the ravages of the Jacuzzi.
Ouchi found me an absolutely delightful floor-length floral kimono that was almost as garish as some of my worst Hawaiian shirts. Then she handed me my bathing attire.
“Look, Ouchi”, I said, “But the words “Dr. Rock” and “Speedo” should never appear in the same sentence, much less the same thought.”
Ouchi was laughing up a storm.
“Oh, Doctor”, she said through steaming eyes, “Please forgive Ouchi. I saw that suit and could not resist.”
“Y’know, Ouch”, I said, “You keep up this gaijin-kaiju thing and I might really develop a complex. I know that I’m large, and while it’s easy being mean, it’s harder being large.”
I let her sit and cogitate on that for a few.
“Of course, Doctor”, she bowed and scrappled, “It was only Ouchi making a small joke. No harm intended.”
“Yeah, I know”, I replied, “But in this case, I’m afraid there’s going to be repercussions.”
Ouchi looked at me in horror. Had she edged over that fine line?
Before she could speak, I held up my right hand.
“New drink. Clean ashtray and draw a tub.” I said, “Then all will be forgiven”.
Ouchi looked at me with palpable relief.
Damn, the Japanese can be such a
literal people. And such fun to mess with.
While Ouchi slipped out to do her 従者’ly duties, I slouched off to the head (loo, banya, restroom, etc.) and changed into my new ‘swimming costume’.
Obviously continental in cut and cloth, but a very verdant shade of green. It was also capacious enough to cover the bits I wanted covered and still be quite comfortable.
I complemented Ouchi on her taste when she returned with my drink and ashtray.
I went to stand to ease over to the Jacuzzi when Ouchi grabbed the drink from my hand, the cleaned ashtray, and set out new slippers for the bath. I told her that I could handle the cigar for the monumental five-meter trek.
Ouchi had a drinks cart lined up next to the tub, with the smaller of one of my humidors. There were plenty of clean glasses, ashtrays, matches (genuine lucifers), ice, a phone, a couple of geological magazines, and a copy of the latest Blaster’s Monthly.
She
had done her homework.
She cautioned me on getting into the Jacuzzi. It was buzzing and frothing along so the bottom was quite impossible to see.
“It’s is, how is it in American? Oh. Six feet deep. There are seats along the side. You pick the one with which you are most comfortable.” She told me.
“Holy wow!”, I exclaimed, “That’s not a jacuzzi, that a hydrothermal pit”.
I eased into the bath after I shed my kimono as Ouchi mentioned she has never seen a man with so much hair.
OK, yeah. I’m a bit fuzzy.
OK, Yeti-fuzzy.
“Yeah”, I replied after slipping into the warm welcoming waters, “I decided to let my beard grow a few decades ago and now, I look like Bigfoot on a night out. After a tornado.”
Ouchi stared in stock curiosity and probably some disgust. She mentioned, cautiously, that she was, at first embarrassed by the hair on my chest…and back…and legs. And just about everywhere else.
I sat back in the Jacuzzi, blissing out.
“But the ‘1/3 of ZZ Top’ beard didn’t clue you in?” I asked.
“I have no male friends with a beard. I just…I …well, didn’t know what to expect.” She admitted. “I have to admit, you’re the first American for which I 従者. I didn’t know what to expect. Except they are large and hairy.”
I set down my drink. I set down my cigar. I surreptitiously took seven or eight
very deep breaths.
Well”, I said, “If that’s the way you’re going to be…” and I bodily dunked under the warm, bubbling waters.
I could see her, blurrily, through the foaming waters.
The first minute passed and she just stood there.
Minute two noted her pacing a bit.
By minute three, she was getting alarmed.
At the four-minute mark, she was perhaps panicking a slight bit.
At 4:30 by my waterproof watch, I popped up and calmly asked her for my cigar.
“Are you trying to frighten me?” she almost yelled. “I thought you might be drowning. How could I do anything then?”
“Didn’t read my dossier closely enough,” I smiled, and put a fresh fire to my cigar.
“What?” she demanded.
“I am a devotee of static apnea. Trained to hold my breath. Since I was an ice diver years and years ago and worked on offshore platforms, I thought it to be a good habit to cultivate. My record’s almost seven minutes, but that was a few years back. Now, I can barely manage five.” I told her.
“But I didn’t know”, she objected.
“Now you do”, I smiled, “Please re-ice and refresh my drink, and hand me that glossy magazine. I feel the need to relax after all that exertion.”
Age and guile beat youth and exuberance every single fucking time.
For the next few hours, I read my magazine, carried on a polite conversation with Ouchi. I warned her about Americans, especially if they are of the Oil Patch fraternity.
“Overpaid. Oversexed. And over here”. The American GI in World War II Britain had nothing on an Oil Patch denizen on 28/28 in a foreign land. Especially if they’re young. Hell, you got to watch the old farts as well.” I said.
After translating that for Ochi, she nodded and said she understood.
“Unless they’re old Doctors of Geological and Petroleum Engineering. Hell, those buggers are the worst. Watch yourself every minute.” I said.
“But, you Dr. Rock, are a doctor of…” Ouchi stopped, smiled, and drenched me with a hand slap full of water.
“Ouchi”, I said, “Let me give you the real story. I’m an old geologist, blaster, and petroleum engineer. Been in the Oil Patch for four-plus solid decades. I’ve lived and worked in 50 countries and drilled wells on every continent on the planet, including Antarctica. I’ve been shot, stabbed, taken hostage, crashed in planes, and near mangled in rolled field vehicles. I’ve met with kings, sultans, presidents, and premiers. I speak 4 languages and can order a beer in 40 more. I’ve got more miles on me than an original Volvo 1800S. I’ve got a wonderful wife for these last 41 years and two amazing children. I have recently taken over the reins of a knucklehead of a Tibetan Mastiff. And yet, here I am, sitting in a frothing, foaming, fizzing Jacuzzi, up to my neck, as it were, in a far and distant land, with a most amazingly attractive and intelligent Japanese female lady type and we’re discussing whether I need another drink or cigar”.
Ouchi looked at me with wide, nearly perplexed, eyes.
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way” I smiled.
To be continued…*⇝
submitted by Beginning | Previous Joan Orléans fingers drummed on the chair of the Admiral's Bridge on the
UWDFF Sun Tzu as she scanned the updates on the various tasks relating to the defense of the solar system. This was a task she spent most of her waking hours on. Reviewing. Reconsidering. Revising. It was also familiar territory for her in general. Something of a time honored task at this point. She had been in this seat much the same as this one looking at these panels similar to these and wondering how best to protect Humanity in the last war as well. Of course, the Automics had been simple by comparison. Against the Automics, the enemy was something they had built, and its needs and desires were easy to understand. It wanted what Humanity had, and it intended to use Humanity against itself. It had infested Humanity's most populated places, growing and metastasizing like a malignant cancer. Extracting the tumor had been difficult, and the corpus of Humanity paid a dear price, but it was a known problem with a known solution.
Now, she had very little concept of what they faced and what their prospects might be. Their history with the Combine was brief, and what insights that might have been gleaned in that encounter were difficult to extrapolate to the present circumstances. She knew that their prior success could not be viewed as an indicator of the likelihood of future success. The Combine had been largely caught off guard in Halcyon, and they had managed to make the most of the situation. Despite their losses, the First Armada had secured the objective, gained valuable assets and struck an apparently grievous blow against the Combine's capitol. It would be quite fortunate if the Combine, determined it was not worth pursuing the matter after such a bruising encounter. But Joan knew better than to believe that would be the end it.
They would come. How could they not?
She would come if she were them, and she would come with all of the fury and violence she could muster.
There was nothing to do but prepare. Properly prepared, perhaps Humanity would have options once the nature of the foe was revealed. Of course, those options were probably severely limited by Ambassador Mandela and Secretary General Venruss' decision to let the XiZ Collective off of their short leash. Now, all of her plans needed to contemplate the possibility that a unique and valuable asset may be unreliable, which considerably constrained operations. There was little to be done about it now, the XiZ had secured a spaceborn cold fusion generator for their exclusive use while they remained in Sol. The Collective could utilize that power to leave whenever they saw fit, and all Humanity would have to stop them was the hope the XiZ would show them more kindness than the rest of the galaxy had.
Joan's nose twitched and the pace of her drumming increased.
Nothing to be done about it. Take the situation as it was, not as you wished it to be.
Status reports.
She swiped up her non-drumming hand in a few gestures, re-ordering the panels and assigning them a prioritization for review and access. She then began to review the panels in order of descending importance.
First and foremost was the defense of Earth. A planet was likely the least defensible object in the history of military warfare. Everything about its structure -- its size, its shape, its stationary nature, its distribution of assets -- made it nearly impossible to protect everything of consequence. An enemy could strike from a single direction whereas they were required to defend an attack from any direction. Reinforcements would be difficult since burns could not be conducted in a straight line. Logistics were a nightmare in general. Even if they recalled the entirety of the United World Defense Force Fleet, there would still be holes.
Matters were further complicated by the fact that Joan could also make few assumptions about the intent of the enemy. At least the Automics sought control over the Earth and its assets. There was every reason to believe that, having a galaxy at its disposal, the Combine would be content to eliminate the Earth rather than fight over it. This raised the possibility of attacks that might focus on an immediate obliteration as opposed to the wars of attrition Humanity had grown used to.
Joan had no sense of what such an attack might look like or what defensive options would be available to them.
The best she had been able to manage was to recall a portion of the Second and Third Armadas to Earth, reducing the protection the outer settlements would have if they are attacked. Even then, there were not sufficient ships to create anything other than a patchwork of floating garrisons above key resources and cities while still trying to retain a line-of-sight between major command groups. With this disposition, that multiple command groups could fire their mass drivers in conjunction with one another in an overlapping field of fire if the invading source was sufficiently far away. In some cases, planetary defenses were of use, particularly the orbital launchers, but those had been developed for asteroids and space junk in mind rather than full scale assault by alien species. They had been bulked up after the Automic War, but coverage was spotty. She understood the lack of fixed defenses, it was simply too expensive to try and encircle an entire planet, particularly when available resources in the post war period needed to be funneled into stabilizing Humanity itself. She had been part of that decision and, given what was known at the time, still believed it to be the correct one.
Of course, if they had known there was an enormous, hostile civilization on their doorstep, they might have re-prioritized, but Joan continued to think the task of defending a planet was inconceivably difficult regardless of circumstance. Far better to build redundancy. So long as Humanity was tied to a single place, it always risked being forced into precisely this corner. Damian's decision to reactivate the Exodus program was a good one, even if it was too little, too late.
Joan sighed.
"Never easy," she said aloud to the emptiness of the Admiral's Bridge. She swiped a hand in irritation, pulling up the detailed view of the next panel, which provided an analysis of Humanity's solar system telemetry. Any number of measurements were collected, collated and presented in the panel, but Joan was primarily concerned with the set of readouts that were relevant to the detection of wormholes. The science was complicated, but a combination of instruments that detected shifts in gravity, light, and a few other currently monitored datapoints had been deployed to provide an observation network throughout the solar system, with particular emphasis on Earth. If a ship was sent through a wormhole, Humanity would know at the speed of light, which Joan fervently hoped was sufficient.
Despite the passage of almost three weeks since Halcyon, there had been no indications of a wormhole being created within Sol. Joan had questioned Kai on the matter, and he had offered a number of potential explanations ranging from a lack of vessels with an appropriate key, to the time required to muster Combine resources, to the complete and total destruction of the Combine by the artificient. This had preceded a rather tense exchange surrounding the departure timeline to visit this Cerebella, after which conversation became untenable.
Seeing nothing amiss in the readout, she pinched and then swiped a few times, bringing up a panel outside of her prioritized list. It depected Kai Levinson's medical charts and images of his brainwaves over time. Cerebral activity was elevated and continued to increase. His thought schematics continued to alter as well. Dr. Lai believed that Kai was in control of his body and his thoughts, but thought it possible that the line between him and his counterpart, the Evangi Neeria, was becoming increasingly blurred.
Kai Levinson remained in control, but he may not remain Kai Levinson.
Joan did not know what to make of that beyond a continued resolution to treat all words out of Kai's mouth as having potentially put there by another. He was a potential resource for gathering information, but Joan also questioned whether any of the information could be trusted. Still, regardless of what he said, it would provide a record of interaction that could be cross-examined at a later date to determine the extent to which he was reliable.
She minimized the medical data panel and pulled open the next on her list. It depicted the progress of the Exodus mission. The first wave of vessels had been loaded with a hastily assembled list of Humanity's best and brightest and then jammed full of everything they could fit in that might help with a colonization effort.
Terraformers. Seed stocks. Vehicles. Self-assembled Habitations. So on and so forth.
Joan glanced at the launch timelines and manifest details.
Exodus Wave One UWEM Horizon - Destination: Codename Alpha-1.
- Population: [Redacted]
- Launch: 14m12s
UWEM Fortune - Destination: Codename Alpha-2
- Population: [Redacted]
- Launch: 17m12s
UWEM Destiny - Destination: Codename Beta-1
- Population: [Redacted]
- Launch: 20m12s
UWEM Path - Destination: Codename Beta-1
- Population: [Redacted]
- Launch: 23m12s
UWEM Outta Here - Destination: Codename Charlie-1
- Population: [Redacted]
- Launch: 26m12s
UWEM Potential - Destination: Codename Charlie-2
- Population: [Redacted]
- Launch: 29m12s
Joan snorted at the
Outta Here, which had been named by a poll and Damian had elected to keep because he found it amusing. Despite the redacted details, Joan knew all six ships would be departing for separate locations to increase Humanity's odds. Each of the locations had been selected based upon data available in the Combine Archives from the XiZ, who would be providing the wormholes to reach to locations. The locations had been chosen based on their distance from Combine settlements and the likelihood of compatibility with Humanity. All would be in within Combine space as the contents and nature of the other Restricted Zones were not available. Many would not be in close proximity to each other, meaning that they would be cut off in the event Humanity lost access to wormholes.
Each of the ships could hold almost ten thousand people. She wondered briefly whether they would be filled to maximum capacity and under what framework that composition was selected. All of those logistics had been left to the United World rather than the military, though the UWDF would be providing supporting personnel to the Exodus Mission vessels.
Their launches were coordinated to provide the XiZ enough time to recharge worm projector and re-target the wormholes. The XiZ said they would require less time than that, but, out of abundance of caution, they staggered them. Each would make their way from their holding ports in Earth's inner orbit and toward the wormhole staging ground a short distance away. From launch, each vessel was expected to reach its destination planet within a few hours.
Despite having traveled through a wormhole herself, it was still fantastical to contemplate. Even the Alcubierre had been something that had felt almost magical. There were few things that could inspire Joan to daydream, but the possibility that Humanity would no longer be tethered to the Earth, that survival would not longer hang upon protecting the indefensible, was one of them.
She raised her hand to swipe away the readout when an alert blared and the panels were shoved to the side to display a new readout.
Alert Trigger: Potential Wormhole She immediately swung into action, raising her hands and beginning to swipe when a second panel appeared beside the first read out.
Alert Trigger: Potential Wormhole #2 Two? Joan pointed to the first panel and then swiped down to up, expanding the associated data. The wormhole had appeared--
Alert Trigger: Potential Wormhole #3 Alert Trigger: Potential Wormhole #4 The panels kept populating, creating a running list. Joan snarled and swept her arms wide, her hands bracketing the four triggered alarm panels and then compacting them downward, placing them into a signal frame of data. She then swiped her hand left to right until she could see the location readout.
The first two wormholes had appeared almost on top of one another, both a few light seconds away from Earth. The second two were similarly clustered, but were positioned closer to the moon. For both pairs of wormholes, a line drawn between them would be perpendicular to the Earth, meaning that it had a line-of-sight that was not obstructed by either of the wormholes. In the case of the second pairing, there was also an unobstructed view of the moon as well.
She delved into the data further, wondering whether they had already lost the war before it had begun. There did not appear to be any indications of an energy discharge, Earth would already be reporting if it had--
Her eyes widened. "Mass?"
She exhaled. Telemetry did not read any inbound matter of concern. It had picked up, very briefly, an object traveling at a high rate of speed between the wormholes. The granularity of the data was not particular high on the object. It had a roughly cubic shape with size roughly akin to a UWD supply ship.
Not the full scale assault then. Or, if it was, it did not take the expected form. There was very little she could parse from a roughly cubic shape existing in their solar system in two locations for a few seconds before disappearing. Unfortunately, the only source likely to helpful on the matter was questionable.
"Comm link, Admiral Kai Levinson. Command Priority," Joan said, her hands flipping through the data and parsing as much as she could. The delay between the Earth and Moon incursions had been offset, it was not just an artifact of the speed of light that she had received them separately. The third wormhole appeared approximately ten seconds after the second had disappeared. The time within the pairs were both the same at slightly under three seconds.
Kai appeared on the vidlink beside the alarm triggers, his face serene despite the thin visor encircling his head and passing over his eyes. "Fleet Admiral, how can I be of service?"
Joan took a brief moment to calculate what to reveal and how to reveal it. If there was an opportunity to get an assessment of Kai, this might be it, though she had precious little to base any judgments on. "Wormholes have just appeared."
Kai flinched at the announcement. "They're here."
"They've already left."
"That was fast," Kai said, his head tilting to the side as if listening. "Scouting?"
"That was my first thought."
"What was sent through?" Kai asked.
"We have very little data. No energy discharge. No mass fired."
"Joan, I need you to tell me what was sent through. Any data you have. I cannot help if I am blind." He waved a hand toward the visor on his face, "Bad choice of words. You get what I mean."
"What are you looking for?" Joan said.
He shrugged, "Something that can help. As I told you already, I have no idea what state the Combine is in. It is equally likely that this is the first effort of the artificient. I cannot say which is which without more information, and even then I may not be helpful."
Joan raised a hand and jabbed it in the air, sending the Alert Trigger reports to Kai. She then leaned forward, her eyes pinned to Kai as he read the outputs. Almost immediately after beginning, he looked like he had been punched.
"How precise are these measurements?" He whispered, gulping repeatedly and shaking his head.
"They're a rough approximation. The instrumentation isn't refined enough for anything other than a size and a general shape, but those two are accurate."
"Cube," Kai whispered. "That's not possible."
Kai was either an extraordinary actor, or the information was deeply disturbing. For all of Joan's reservations, she leaning toward the latter. "What is not possible?" Joan raised a hand and swiped a few times, pulling up the readout of Kai's medical status. Heart rate elevated. Cerebral cortex on fire. He appeared to be under extreme duress.
He turned his head to the side again, a grimace on his face. "Well then tell me then. She needs to know what you know." He shook his head, "What are the Sclinter Amalga?" Kai's lips withdrew, his teeth baring, "Stop playing fucking games. Out with it."
Kai's brain scan flared, indicating a significant increase in synaptic activity well beyond typical Human utilization. After a moment it subsided and the blood drained from Kai's face. "Joan...we are in trouble. The...they aren't supposed to be here. They don't have a key. No one ever gave them a key. Not to here."
Joan tried to unravel the dribble, but was having difficulties. Kai appeared to be laboring considerably, as if undergoing a significant internal struggle, and she was no longer certain who was talking when he was speaking. What she did know, was that she had more questions than answers. Answers that she needed, now. "Who is not supposed to be here?"
"Go on, tell her." Kai said. A moment later, he straightened, a detached look coming onto his face. His heart rate normalized and the brain waves shifted. When Kai spoke, it was in a duller monotone. "Admiral, there is a species that makes use of vessels that fit the description provided by the data you have sent over. This species is known as the Sclinter Amalga. They are an external resource the Combine utilizes to exterminate species that are deemed to be a threat to organic life."
"I see. You outsource your genocide?" Joan asked.
Kai inclined his head, apparently unconcerned by the characterization. "It was more efficient. The Sclinter Amalga inhabit Pelageo, a cluster of systems that produced a remarkably high density of sentient life. Pelageo is located close to the galactic core and so they were encountered soon after the Evangi were tasked with establishing the Combine. The Evangi are not a militaristic species. We are administrators. The Sclinter Amalga are multiple militaristic species, all shaped by competition within Pelageo. They were very powerful."
"And?" Joan said, knowing the background might be relevant, but deeply aware of their very limited time.
"They were deemed unsuitable for inclusion in the Combine, but the Evangi were incapable of dislodging such a collection of species, particularly once they entered into an armistice with one another upon our appearance. The option of isolating them was considered, but this particular issue was likely to reoccur as the Combine was built. Many species would not be suitable for inclusion. Even if isolated, they could pose a risk to organic life, as Humanity has so amply demonstrated." Kai took a breath and then plunged onward, his reference to Humanity seeming to refer to some group he was not a part of. "A solution was devised: we would reach an agreement with the Sclinter Amalga. They would provide us with a necessary, distracting service we did not wish to perform, the removal of threats to organic life, and we would provide them with limited exceptions to isolation in the form of wormkeys to specific locations for specific vessels."
Joan processed this information as it was handed to her, "And these...Sclintern are now here to perform that same service?"
"It should not be possible. No Amalgan vessel was ever provided with a wormkey to a Divinity Angelysian Restricted Zone. No Amalgan vessel was ever provided with a wormkey for anything other than a specific place for a specific purpose."
"We traveled to here just fine, we did not possess any keyed vessels," Joan said.
"We had the use of a..." Kai's voice drifted off.
"Neeria?" Joan asked.
Kai looked startled. "The Amalgans are fastidious about their engagements with the Combine. A highly improbable chain of events would need to occur for them to gain access to a worm projector. More importantly, such an occurrence would be of horrendous consequence."
"Why?"
"A secondary consideration in using the Amalgans for Cleanse Contracts was that possibility that they would become weakened over time, reducing them as a potential threat. Even if we had entered into an agreement with them, they were still unsuitable for existence by the parameters we judge species on. Eventually, there was some expectation that the Amalgans would be defeated and then could be replaced by another species, thereby starting the process anew. A component of the Cleanse Contracts was a requirement that the Amalgans pursue the targeted species with all of its power until one was extinct. It was an expedient solution." Kai took another breath. "We utilized the Amalgans often. They never failed. They only grew stronger. If they gain access to a worm projector, they are likely to be the strongest force in the Combine."
Joan folded her arms. The explanation was surreal. A galactic species had hired another galactic species as a genocidal hitman, thereby turning them into some manner of omnipowerful species that was now potentially out of control and targeting Earth. If there was a framework for defending against this, Joan would very much like to have someone explain it to her. "Why did you not just eliminate them once you grew powerful?"
"The nature of the Combine made this difficult. Member species were selected for their orientation toward certain goals the Combine possessed, most of which focused on internal stability and efficiency. Among these species, a Peacekeeping force was considered an acceptable investment for the periodic disputes that might occur. Developing a military force capable of destroying the Amalgans would be difficult to explain, particularly as the nature of the Amalgans was not widely understood and the Amalgans had always performed their duties as agreed upon."
"Well, if its the Amalgans, then it looks like they've gotten access to a worm projector. Maybe the Combine lent them one," Joan said.
"They would not accept a Cleanse Contract on that basis. They only accept durable assets, particularly ones that reduce their isolation as agreed upon."
"Fine. They have one. How do we defend against them?" Joan asked.
"You do not," Kai replied.
"Well, that's not an option. We have advantages here. They're unfamiliar with our physics. This is home territory. We have Griggs' Pulses."
"The Amalgans fight exclusively in other species' territory. They have been conducting Cleanse Contracts across thousands of species, all of whom have similar levels of technology to Humanity--"
"What are our options, Neeria? That's what I want to know."
"Flee and hope they do not find you. Allow me to seek the Cerebella and obtain what assistance I can," Kai said.
Joan flicked a hand up and opened the panel for the Exodus Mission. She had no intention of disclosing its existence to Kai. If that was the last hope for Humanity, then it needed to remain a secret.
A number of inbound messages were appearing, including from the Secretary General. There were also new Alert Triggers filtering in. Two by Mars. Joan assumed that, as the speed of light permitted, she would receive similar triggers across the solar system as the Amalgans conducted their scouting effort.
Joan looked back at Kai now, "We're not going anywhere, and neither are you. I'm not sending the only being that knows anything about these things away just when they show up." Joan raised an eyebrow, "Why don't you take a page out of the Ambassador's book and try to negotiate with them? Buy us some time?"
"Admiral, if they are here, they are done negotiating."
Next.
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submitted by Glassdoor is your resource for information about the Stock Options or Equity benefits at Automation Anywhere. Learn about Automation Anywhere Stock Options or Equity, including a description from the employer, and comments and ratings provided anonymously by current and former Automation Anywhere employees. SEE ALSO: 20 Top Stock Picks the Analysts Love for 2019 Market value: $39.8 billion. Dividend yield: 4.3%. Zurich, Switzerland-based ABB Ltd. ( ABB, $19.30) has been shrinking for years, but it Automation Anywhere, the robotic process automation (RPA) software company, may look at a public listing as one way to raise more capital to fund growth. Mihir Shukla, co-founder and chief executive, said while it was generating decent enough money to support expansion for now, it would evaluate options. Sell, analyze or finance your private company stock options. Companies Outcome Simulator Learn. Sign In Sign Up. Companies Outcome Simulator Learn About. Sign In Sign Up. Automation Anywhere. automationanywhere.com. RPA Enterprise Platform from Automation Anywhere the Global Enterprise RPA solution. Learn how robotic process automation is the Thinking about selling Automation Anywhere stock options? Use our calculator to see what you could make: Number of options: Strike price: Sale price per share: Take home, pre-tax. You need to sell for to break even. Total. Exercise Cost. Fees (5% Average) Get the Literally hours after Blue Prism's stock jumped up 30%, Automation Anywhere announced that its Series B funding valued it at $6.8 billion. That's over six times Blue Prism's current market cap. Automate finance and accounting processes with ease. 116 available bots for finance and accounting tasks from Automation Anywhere to guarantee accuracy and boost efficiency. Automation Anywhere’s A+ RPA experts are ready and waiting to create a POC with you. Try RPA. RPA MUST-READS. Analyst. Case Study. Press Release. Try. For Businesses. Take Enterprise A2019, the world’s leading intelligent automation platform for a fully supported 30-day free trial. Press Release Automation-as-a-Service Market Next Big Thing | Major Giants HPE, Automation Anywhere, IBM Published: Jan. 2, 2021 at 3:04 a.m. ET Automation Anywhere is a global leader in Robotic Process Automation, offering cloud-native, web-based, intelligent automation solutions to the world's largest enterprises.
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